Inay finally passed away today, August 4th, around 4 in afternoon. I thought I was prepared because she was 103 years old, and we had all the time to prepare, but I guess you can never be prepared for such things. When my sister sent me the message I immediately went into shock and cried. I was not expecting such a reaction, but I was suddenly overwhelmed by a flood of memories and love I had for her like how she would sing to me and make me my favorite dishes, how she smiled and laughed, how my friends would call her cute when they met her, and I just cried. It’s true, she was very cute.

How very naive I was to think that I was prepared for this. I thought that because she had dementia and she was so old that I probably wouldn’t even cry when she died, but here I am with my face wet. It doesn’t make any sense. When I went to see my mom she seemed like she had it more together than I did, definitely better than I had imagined. She said that Inay went quickly and did not suffer. She gave Inay some medicine for a fever and then went to the bathroom, and when she returned Inay was gone. In a way, it’s a blessing my mother didn’t have to see it.

I guess this journaling has been mostly in the shadows as I haven’t been really writing anything as of late. It reminds me of how people pray really hard during bad times, but when the good times roll you don’t really pray too hard do you? I haven’t written anything about my trip to Hawaii or anything good really. I’ve been busy just living life. Also, I don’t even know why I write so sometimes I just don’t. I don’t think I’m even that great at it.

I do have a dream journal, but it’s very rough and it’s just in some notepad someplace private. I did almost jot down a dream I had this morning, but I got lazy and it vanished. I do remember a feeling like the dream was trying to tell me something important about today. I brushed it off and was left only with that feeling. I wonder if I’m out of touch with myself nowadays.

In the beginning of the year I had this premonition that Inay would die this year. She got sick for a bit and so I thought it would happen, but then she got better. Months passed and just yesterday I thought of how wrong my premonition was, then BAM, the universe hits me with this. It was like I was right and then I was wrong and then I was right for being wrong or was it I was wrong for being right, I don’t even know. And, does it even matter? I just think the universe found some way to put me in my place to remind me that I do not possess the intuition to know when things will happen. Usually, I’m a good guesser. Inay’s death has humbled me.

Goodbye, Inay. Now she is free from pain and dementia. I want to believe that she is reuniting with my daddy lolo somewhere in heaven. God, I want to believe that so bad.

P.S. I just need to add how angry I am at insurance companies and other predatory companies that makes money off people’s tragedies by making a business out of it. Funerals are EXPENSIVE! And my mother is Catholic so she won’t have cremation. I know people have to make a living somehow, but with inflation and covid, funeral expenses have been on the rise. I pray for a better world where money isn’t king and where we can all just take care of each other without expecting something in return. That would be heaven.