Why Aegon? After experiencing so much loss, why my baby? I never asked for kittens, but this one found me. He walked into our home searching for his siblings, hiding in the corner of our house. I heard him crying and I named him Aegon, the hidden one. I called him Eggy for short which suited him since he was the color of an eggshell. He was the cutest out of all three kittens, at least in my eyes. He was such a beautiful cat. Even my youngest sister agreed that he was the most handsome of the bunch.

I called him my crybaby kitty because when he cried he sounds like a baby. I bottle fed him when he was a kitten because he was so young. I didn’t even want to keep him, but he grew on me. I don’t like having pets that shed, but I made the exception for him. I remember him crying while I was bathing him, and for a sudden our eyes met and he stopped and just looked at me. From there on I felt bonded to him, like an imprinting. We belonged to each other. He gave me his trust completely. I would cradle him in my arms like one would with an infant. He came into my life when I was deeply depressed, and he helped pull me out of it.

Why him? He could have had so many years ahead of him. I’m so angry at him for being too bold. I remember he once got lost for a day. I walked around calling out his name only to find him just a block away, running into my arms thankful I found him. I thought to myself, he had learned his lesson. He won’t stray far anymore. I can give him a little freedom.

I was wrong. Maybe he forgot about that day he got lost. He grew quite comfortable, and he must have felt like king of the neighborhood after a while. There were times where he didn’t come home at night and I freaked out, but then he would come walking in in the morning like a party animal who needed to just eat and sleep. I grew comfortable in the false fact that he would eventually come home. I trusted him too much. He made a hole in our bedroom screen so we kept the window open for him to come in and out as he pleased. We got too comfortable with that. When he came in he would cry his crybaby cry just to sleep on my husband’s belly. Sometimes he would put his head on my lap or on my arm, lovingly. I never met such a loving cat. Most of the cats I’ve had didn’t like to snuggle as long and hard as my Eggy. He was my familiar for my witchy rituals. I bonded with him. He saw me as his mother and I saw him as my child.

I miss him so much it hurts and I absolutely hate this! Why is this happening again? Haven’t we lost many loved ones already these past couple of years? So many loved ones lost. Why him too?

It was cold and wet last Friday night, I think. I didn’t realize he was out there and so I closed the window. If I can just turn back time and keep that window open, I would. When he went missing we went through all our motion sensor footage. On the garage video we saw him come to the house at 6 AM. That was the last we saw of him. He probably came home and left because he couldn’t get inside. Why didn’t he come home earlier?

I hate myself. Why couldn’t I check to see if he was in the house? I should have gone out to look for him. Why couldn’t I have just kept them indoors? Why didn’t I just make sure they came home every night? Why didn’t I learn my lesson from when I had my cat Buster who shared the same fate and just kept them indoors all the time unless on a leash? Why?

Oh, hell is full of good intentions. And what a hell I have made for myself!

Yesterday we found a dead white cat by the freeway not too far from us. Was that Aegon? How fresh was the body? How long has it been there? It was too much of a coincidence so we retrieved the body and buried it in our yard. I lit a candle and said some words and we still kept the window open for him, hoping the “real Aegon” would come home and that it was just some other imposter cat we found, but Aegon is still gone.

After the burial we went out for a walk, calling out of Aegon. I wanted him to rush into my arms like he did the first time he got lost, but there was nothing. My arms and my heart were left empty. On the way home two white butterflies, white like my Eggy, fluttered around me and lingered. My thoughts went to the time I saw a show featuring people who claimed to have been visited by butterflies after having lost a loved one. They call these signs ADC standing for after-death communication. I remember thinking then that if I lost a loved one I would like to have such a sign. As soon as I saw those butterflies I thought right away it must be because of Aegon, but the sign did not bring me comfort. It almost affirmed he was the dead cat we buried in the yard. I want to believe there are signs that signify there’s more to us than the cold and decaying corpse we leave behind.

We cried all night and I have lost all appetite. Why him? Why my baby? It can’t be him. It must be some other cat. We still go for walks in the neighborhood looking for him, calling out his name. I need to keep the window open at night for him even if I freeze. He must be freezing out there with these colder temperatures. Please, let him not be that cat we found, now stiff and cold in the ground. I’ll give anything to get him back to me warm and alive. Aegon, come home, please. I love you.