2021 is supposed to be the year of hope and change, the year we finally rid ourselves of the tyrant, the year of positive change, but even so, it has been a year met with more death and grief.  

My mom was furious and in denial that Haley, our family Carolina dog and George’s partner in life, was sick.  She didn’t believe in euthanasia, to her it was murder. She would laugh and snuggle with the dogs and she loved them like children, but before Haley’s last day she laughed at us for crying over an animal.  When my sister from LA called to check in, she told her Haley wasn’t sick and not to come.  My mother was in clear denial.

Haley was not the same since George passed away.  It is clear in photographs where she and George smiled at the camera, but that smile of hers disappeared when George left.  How lonely she must have felt after being with him for fifteen long years. 

Appearances can be deceiving.  She looked like a beautiful healthy dog, but her kidneys were failing.  By the time we found out she had acute renal failure it was too late to do anything about it.  She was on a rapid decline.  She lost so much weight you can feel her ribs, but her fur covered this all up.  Underneath it, her stomach was sunk in and she couldn’t keep anything down.

The evening before her last day she had been walking around my parent’s house restless.  My sister had moved to a new apartment days before, but she wasn’t happy so my sister brought her back to where she felt the most at home.  I spent time watching over her, cleaning up when she vomited.  At one point she went out to the yard and it looked like she was having convulsions.  Then she ate some grass and stood in front of the door for quite some time before we brought her back in. For some reason, she did not want to go back inside.  It was cold and raining and I tried to warm her up with a blanket as she was shaking.  I called my sisters up and gave them an update, and they made the call that she should be free from her suffering before she got to the point where George was, the point where she would not be able to look us in the eyes because of the pain.  

My mother ended up crying after all. When I woke up that morning I caught her wiping off her tears. Later, she cried again with the rest of us.

With all Haley’s loved ones with her, sobbing as we laid our hands over her, the compassionate killer gave her a shot and her heart stopped on January 24 at 11:27 AM. 

Just when I thought my heart was healing, it hurts again.  

I hate this.

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