I wish I can go back to the short time I had on winter break when I made an escape to Joshua tree just filling my days with nature and hikes. It was too short. It was actually the first break I had for over a year since I had to work two jobs and lost my weekends. Actually, that’s not quite true since I did take one weekend off when George died.

A few days ago there was an attempted coup as Trump incited violence from his base. That has been bringing a lot of people down. Of course, in my life, when it rains it pours.

Today, I messed up on a recording. I don’t even remember if I hit record or if I actually deleted a video because these days have been such a blur, and I feel like I can’t really take a break since people are depending on me. It’s hard to function when you aren’t in the right headspace.

Since George died, I have stopped doing yoga and meditating. I thought I would get back to it in the beginning of the New Year. Covid-19 took another uncle of mine a few days ago, and before Christmas it took a godbrother. My sister who had the virus early last year has caught it again. My eldest has given up on school and life and has moved out to live with a friend temporarily.

Everything is messed up right now and at times I feel like I just want to stay in bed, but all the while, I have been trying to push through and pretend everything is normal. I can’t stay in this space. I need to dig myself out. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.