Rather than dreaming of George when he already passed, I actually woke up from one as he was just passing. He was running towards me smiling and the grass was green. When my grandfather passed, he was on a road waving to me, smiling, before I even got the news. The brain can be really powerful when it comes to the synchronicity of reality and dreams. For that reason, I feel disassociated from my brain as it carries more awareness from my conscious self. It’s like an apparatus that filters energy into form, form that takes shape into the familiar. We reside in a world of forms and filtered energy. Lately, my brain has me remembering my dreams. I have been writing them down. It’s an enigmatic language, but I am able to find meaning.
Yesterday I dreamt that my youngest son came to my bed where my husband and I were sleeping with our kitten. He had brought a branch with him and went to bed with us. When we slept, he accidentally poked our kitten’s eye out, and I got angry. He looked sorry. My husband took our kitten and tried to trick me by replacing it with another kitten. I looked up the symbols I gleaned from this dream. The kitten can represent gentleness and vulnerability. Associated with a woman, myself, it can possibly represent betrayal. The bed is a symbol of safety and protection. It is also a place where most of us die, so death may have a presence in my dream. Eyes can represent a soul and an eye injury can represent letting go of expectations or a one-sided perspective. The broken branch represents family, in this case I felt my family was broken. In reality, I have not seen my son cry real tears since he was a baby. When George died he showed no concern and it bothered me. My husband also did not show feelings, and I must have felt betrayed by both of them. Perhaps my dream was telling me that I could not see their side. Everyone grieves differently, after all.
This morning I woke up with a dream where I traveled to Japan to visit my dad’s dad who lived alone there and who planned on giving us his house when he passed. This was all a dream as I have never met my dad’s dad and he never lived in Japan. I was with my dad and a friend whom I did not recognize. This friend had fallen in love with a woman who had brought her mother and son to the house. My dad’s dad was not Japanese, but he fell in love with the country and hid his identity to stay there because in order to reside there he had to be Japanese. We slept on hard bamboo floors. I opened my orange backpack and a couple of roaches crawled out. Roaches can represent my fears and the backpack is the past weighing me down. Dream of traveling is a mindset to achieve goals. Dreaming of the grandfather I never met can represent old age and disease, and it may be a warning to pay attention to the health of my elders, like my dad. Dreaming about hiding an identity represents hidden feelings. Dreaming of the house being passed down foreshadows a gift or inheritance. The house also represents family, harmony, and prosperity. Lying on the hard floor can be symbolic of hard times and my desire to withdraw. The dream of strangers can be symbolic of change. Strangers are a reflection. They can also be an extension of family and may represent the bond between people who are not related by blood. The mother represents nurture and guidance. The son represents potential and hope.
Although George was not in either of those dreams, he was tied to them like a red thread.
Update:
My youngest, who usually loves spending time at my mom and dad’s place, wanted to go home. When I brought George up he got angry.
I said something like, “the Orion I knew loved George.”
He got mad and said, “well, you’re implying the Orion you know now doesn’t. I knew he was going to die so why bother being sad?”
I replied, “I knew he would eventually die too, but I’m still sad and that’s okay. I never said you didn’t love George. I am just remembering when you were young playing with George and there was so much love there, that’s all.”
His voice quivered and he said, “can we just stop talking about this now?” I saw this was disturbing him so I backed off and said ok. That’s when I noticed him holding back his tears, and it broke my heart.