After a couple of days of no sleep or food I finally slept and had something to eat last night. I still don’t have an appetite, but will try to focus on taking care of myself since I have a tendency to torture myself when I am depressed. I am behind on work, but hopefully can catch up today. One of the things I have learned through this is take lots of photos and videos of your loved ones. It helps remember them later and also keeps you from taking them for granted. I had photos and videos of George, but not as much as I would have hoped and I felt so guilty about that. It showed me how I took him for granted and how I am now taking others for granted, how I have gotten lazier over the years with the camera, how I have been self absorbed and distracted with other things and not the animals and people who I love and love me. Thankfully, with all my sisters, we have thousands of memories with George. We put all our photos and videos together in a shared album which hurt, but helped and woke me up to the fact that I need to capture more cherished candid moments because they are fleeting and they will disappear. I also hate having pics of me, but I realize now that maybe I should take more with my family and loved ones because it may help someone day if I have to leave. I also learned that it is unhealthy to keep looking at these photos and videos all day and I have to put it away sometime and remember that it will still be there. I am fortunate enough for loved ones to remind me to eat and sleep and take care of myself because that isn’t what George would want for me.

Looking back at the memories, George really had a full and happy life, and although he suffered in the end, it was nothing compared to the fullness and happiness he lived. Grief will not go away, but it will soften. It’s still hard for me, but I am working through the acceptance part and I thank you all for your support and love.

I remembered my dream this morning and in it I was feeding food to my brother-in-law’s family. I dreamt his wife had a twin and I fed them all chicken and rice and for desert we had a chocolate cake with strawberries. I think my brain needed a break from George and was trying to let me know there are other people out there that I can feed my love to. I looked up symbols in my dream and chicken can mean good luck and waking life, rice can mean prosperity, twins symbolizes a new path or new start, chocolate is the sweetness of life, strawberries symbolizes new love. The dream of feeding others is symbolic of giving love.

Although the dream focused on a new start and love to people new to me, I don’t think it was meant for me to forget my own close family and loved ones. I think I just needed a break because focusing on my own family and loved ones right now is still raw and painful because George was in that circle. I think my brain needed that distance, but also these people were not just strangers, but new additions to my family that I don’t really think about because I don’t see them every day. In a way, my dream reminds me to not take just close family for granted, but anyone who are dear to me and not close, maybe because I didn’t know how close George was to me until he was gone.