I have gone dark for awhile from journaling.  Much has happened since my last entry. I got a new job working at a private school, hoping that there I would find people that would value me.  In the beginning it was great. My new team welcomed me onboard with smiles. People seemed thankful. I worked on deploying network upgrades, setting up computer stations and iPads, installing new projectors, and more. 

I looked forward to learning more from the senior administrator who had the low down on everyone who worked there. At first, I thought she was being real and honest, giving me the heads up of how people were, but it didn’t take long before I realized she just had bad things to say about everyone behind their backs, and sometimes to their face.  Every technical problem that came about she blamed on the guy before me. I noticed that there were things not done correctly, but she refused to have it fixed. She had the place set up so that it was completely dependent on her because of how convoluted things were set up and I wondered if it was done on purpose or was it her way of securing her position.  She had worked there since she graduated high school, and all her training was on the job. As far as I knew, she did not have a college education or any other work experience. She did have a terrible temper and it seemed like she was the boss. Everyone on the team seemed to almost tiptoe around her.  

I thought maybe if I kept my head down and just followed her instructions I would escape her wrath, but one day our boss invited both of us to a huge conference in Silicone Valley, and I made the mistake of saying I was interested.  He said only one of us could go, and that we should decide among ourselves. She said she was interested so I told her that was alright with me since she was the senior. She did not communicate with me whether she was going or not, so I casually followed up with her in which she abruptly replied in front of one or our coworkers, “you piss me off!”  Then she cut herself off when she realized she had blurted that out-loud in front of people.  Afterwards, her demeanor towards me changed into ice, and she made herself unapproachable. In the end, neither of us went to the conference. I think maybe she felt like if she could not go then no one deserved to go either.

Although she hated almost everyone at the school, she had a couple of favorites, two men, besides the boss. One man was a consultant who configured the network upgrades.  He disappeared when people complained about how they were not getting internet in some areas of the school. I tried to help by sending him suggestions, but I was ignored and I wasn’t given the rights to try the fixes myself.  He had set up many things incorrectly in the IDF’s and I had to fix them, including the phones. The other favorite was the database guy, who I felt was the most authentic in the team. He joked around to relieve the tension in the air, and kept her happy.  

I heard stories about other people who were terminated because of her, but I didn’t really think anything of it at the time.  Just a few days ago they laid me off due to “restructuring”. My boss, who was just a puppet head and I realized mostly clueless to what went on in the department, credited the senior for all the work that went on.  Since he was gone for most of my time there due to a biking accident, he had no idea how much work I had put in. She had talked him into eliminating my position, and he pretty much followed whatever she said.   There was a reason people feared her.  She was the one who really pulled the strings.   She was there longer than the boss.

It was pretty shady and unfair the way I was terminated on a Wednesday right after my lunch break with zero notice after I had just been invited to the holiday office potluck.  I’m sure they laid me off before the holidays so they can balance out their budget for the fiscal year.  I am seen not as a human being, but as a number to write off in the ledgers.

People just disappeared from the office and my boss told me to come to a “meeting”.  He led me into HR where they gave me a box and some papers to sign.  I asked my boss if there was anything I had done wrong, and he said it wasn’t personal.   But, how is it not personal?  This affects me personally.  He could not looked me in the face as he tried to rush me out of there.  I shook his hand, wished him happy holidays, and he offered himself as a reference.

In a way, I am relieved.  I knew very well it was not a place that I wanted to stay, but it’s still a burden and I think how it was done was very wrong, almost inhumane.  They knew I was coming from a career position at a university. I sacrificed a lot to take the position, including paying into a good pension.  Ultimately, it was my own mistake. Ultimately, I am to blame.

I abhor how people hide behind the faces of institutions to do unkind things towards each other. They call it systemic so they may thwart off any responsibility. They choose profit over people with layoffs during holidays so they can meet their fiscal deadline, and they tell themselves it’s not me, it’s the institution, but institutions are made out of people. Systemic problems are people problems. When some people focus on money and greed for the sake of business needs, other people lose. 

When will people look at each other as a reflection of themselves, just another living being striving for happiness, no different no less? Why are we so expendable?  We are humans, and we shouldn’t be. Every life should be valued, but living in a world where Trump is president, I realize maybe the ideal world where good triumphs over evil doesn’t exist.  Maybe justice is just a word. I don’t want to believe it, but my life experiences leads into a path of disillusionment.