These last few weeks I have been exploring a world where words become characters themselves, playing out a narrative in a variety of unrelated pieces.  It’s hard to to explain with my own words, and I feel I cannot do it justice. It’s funny, I have been writing this narrative in my head for several days now, but the moment I try to put the words down they seem to disappear.  But when I close my eyes there they are swimming inside my head like a bowl of alphabet soup as I pick at the letters to put into words. Usually at night, the words keep me up lit with fire and full of feeling, and I cannot sleep until it pours out from the tips of my fingers and spills into its resting place.  Only then can my head rest.

Words have become thematic these last few weeks, showing their power in shows like “Every Brilliant Thing”, or “Sharp Objects”, or the “Long Nights Poetry Tour” I attended at Trilogy Sanctuary last night.  It excites me, and I feel a longing to stay with those words and the people who play them. Their message courses through me like I’ve been hit with the Holy Spirit moving me to testify to a revelation, for the gospel is good, and I want to spread that goodness like music and Hallelujah!  I have been infected with so many words this week; empowering, depressing, unnerving, and blooming, all moving. There are just too many words to describe how I feel or what I have taken in. I don’t know where to even begin, and I am afraid of falling into the ineffable.

“Every Brilliant Thing” is a one-man show written by Duncan Macmillan with British comedian Jonny Donahoe, about a man using the power of words to cope with his suicidal mother.  He makes a list of brilliant things, and number 1 on that list is “ice cream”. I love that this is number 1 because right off the bat I think about “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown,” where Charlie Brown also brings up ice cream in a song called “Happiness”, and I think about how wonderfully universal ice cream is to be on the list.  The show’s star, Ro Boddie, directs members of the audience to interact and play roles in the show with him. Shows like this did not exist a few years ago because mental illness was a taboo, and it is a relief to have people finally humanize what is to feel depressed or suicidal. It’s cathartic to know that you are not alone, and to feel a deep and personal connection with strangers in the same room. The narrator’s advice to give someone contemplating suicide is “Don’t do it.  Things will get better.” I like how simple and sound this advice is. People who feel depressed and suicidal get stuck in their heads and forget that things will get better, or they can’t really see that it will. I know that I am often finding myself stuck in that place where I cannot see beyond tomorrow, but tomorrow does come, and the morrow after that. At the end of the show we were asked to add more words onto the list of brilliant things. I wrote, “Watching a great show with the love of my life and realizing that even though things aren’t perfect, there are perfect moments.”  This entry is not just words for me, but an actual conscious body reminding me that hope is alive. Here, the power of words on a list, is used as therapy, holding the power to save lives.

In “Sharp Objects” words cut like a knife.  “Sharp Objects” is a mini-series on HBO based on a novel by Gillian Flynn. The protagonist of the show, Camille Preaker,  is a journalist and a cutter. She literally carves words into her skin, showing the power of how words are used to hurt and scar not just the body but the human psyche.  Camille experiences the loss of her sister, Marian, at an early age. She suffers abuse and leaves her home town, but a work assignment has her going back to investigate a crime.  There, she reunites with her estranged mother, Adora, and her half-sister, Amma. Adora suffers from Munchausen syndrome by proxy, which is a mental disorder that leads a caregiver into feigning illness for someone in their care to draw attention and sympathy to themselves. The cinematography for this show is amazing.  There’s so much happening within an image. Words hide in plain sight, leaving clues like breadcrumbs in a Grimm fairy tale. I don’t want to put too much spoilers out there, but the story is a murder mystery, and even though it’s a totally fictional piece, it deals with issues that I feel many of us can relate to, and that’s what pulls us in. Camille hides the words cut into her with long sleeves and sweaters.  These are words hidden in plain sight like much of the mental illness out there. Cutting and self-harm is a practice that is difficult for some people to understand, but there are those of us who can. I’ve never really mentioned this topic to anyone, but I practiced this in my own youth and nobody knew, not even my own family. Everyone has their own reasons, but I did it because I needed pain to drown out pain, if that makes any sense.  I didn’t cut deep, and sometimes, instead of cutting, I would use the end of wire hangers to dig into my skin. I pretty much thought I was alone, and had no idea other people did this to themselves. I found out later in life that this practice is common among autistic females, as they implode emotionally. I did not meet anyone who practiced self-harm until I joined the Air Force and walked into a pool of blood on the floor. The girl who had been cutting herself in basic training was dismissed after that day.  Luckily, by that time, I had stopped the practice and instead, redirected it into journaling. I guess this is why I felt so connected with Camille’s character. In the end she reclaimed the words that had hurt her, and used it as a source to heal.

I experienced more healing and inspiration from Fleassy Malay and Tyler Korso Corsaut’s Long Night’s Poetry Tour. Korso’s poetry are humorous and serious, delving into his experience with anxiety and depression, and combating this with the power of laughter.  One of my favorite pieces was “Anxiety goes to college” where he his feelings are anthropomorphized. He talks about his comedy and poetry of being two sides of the same coin. With comedy he is able to touch up on many serious topics in a lighthearted way without going too deep. With poetry he can explore a serious topic further and deeper.  

Feassy’s poetry takes on a different approach. It is fluid, sensual, and feminine, exploring what it means to be woman, queer, activist, or mother. She is a two times TEDx speaker whose poem, “Witches”, went viral on International Women’s Day with over one million views in three days.  When listening to Fleassy and Korso I felt so manic, drunk with the elixir of their words as it connects to their humanity and mortality. It was an honor and a treat to hear their words in person.

The power of words consume me.