My thoughts and emotions are running into dark places, and I need to remind myself I am not my thoughts, merely an observer. This is difficult when the thoughts never stop. It’s exhausting to be consumed, constantly waking up tired.
My brain is a trickster. Back when I went to school, people thought I was smart because I broke records with perfect scores in subjects I really got into. I use to be the representative of my high school district. I was once kicked out of a Jeopardy game because I dominated it and wouldn’t give others a chance to answer, but wasn’t that the point? I broke records again in tech school and college. People gave me too much credit I didn’t deserve because it wasn’t me. It was my trickster brain. It’s almost like I wasn’t myself when I was taking those tests or having those intellectual discussions. The real me just wings it, hoping my brain would take over and do its job.
The me I know is pretty mediocre. As I get older the more mediocre I feel. The light that burnt bright has grown quite dim. I use to get rewarded and acknowledged for my work. In the military I built a reputation and people would ask for me by name. Now, I am overlooked and treated less than a person by some people. I have been told that there’s a line out the door for my job, and that I am replaceable. Those words haunt me. Even though I have streamlined the workflow, developed methods of organization, composed technical documents, trained staff and employees, archived all our data, updated and upgraded hardware and software, produced a countless number of videos for massive open online courses aka MOOCS, researched and priced equipment, managed content on social media, and so much more other things not even on my job card, apparently I am of no value. After six years working I haven’t been given one real promotion. I need to get out.
Maybe I shouldn’t be so damn honest in a blog any stranger can read, but I have lost my filter and at this age and stage I really don’t care. If you can’t deal with authenticity then this isn’t the blog for you. I am not even quite sure it’s the blog for me.
Once, I lost my wedding ring. I have a bad habit of unconsciously taking it off and placing it who knows where. This is why I stopped wearing jewelry outside the house except for special occasions. Well, I turned my house inside out searching endlessly and aimlessly for that darn ring, but I couldn’t find it. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that hits you when you have lost something of great value. For weeks my thoughts flipped through my memories trying to catalog the last time I saw that ring. I got NOTHING. Then one day out of the blue on a Saturday morning I woke up and followed my body into my walk–in closet, not conscious of what I was going to do. My hand, on it’s own, picked out a coat on the rack and went right into the hole of a pocket, and guess what happened? It found the ring. This is not new, just an example of what I have to deal with having a trickster brain that holds things back from me.