Today is the middle of the week, and it cannot go fast enough.  I really need to get out of this place as it never really feels good when you are undervalued and underpaid.  Luckily, work has slowed down because I find myself very unmotivated here.  It has become mechanic, and I feel like a cog in a machine. I might as well be a factory worker because that’s basically what I am.  There’s no creativity in the work handed to me. I miss having that.  I try taking breaks and meditation walks, which helped a lot in the beginning.  Then it started dawning on me how nothing has changed much from a year ago when I first fell into this depression.  During that time they cross-promoted a coworker of mine who had been working for a couple of years, increasing his pay 10K.  My other coworker started off over 10K what I started off with, and after over six years working here I am just catching up to him what he started with out of college. They are both white males and I am the minority female.

I do not think that females in the tech field get enough credit.  When I first started this job I was thrown into chaos.  My boss had to leave abruptly to settle matters abroad, and he was gone for a few weeks.  During that time I had to manage students with all the events happening, as well as install a whole gallery exhibit almost on my own.  I had to borrow students from another department because our students had scheduling conflicts.  I did a lot of manual labor, and I worked many weekends and late evenings those days.  I was told to use comp time off record and nobody mentioned to me this was robbing me of my time and a half, which went on for over two years.  Overworked, I begged my boss to hire one more person to help out.  He hired a student of ours whom he said was like a son to him.  This student started off part time, and was making almost 10K more than me.  He was not very reliable, and he ended up quitting before the end of the year.  When they hired him to be in charge of the auditorium, the job was open and I applied, thinking maybe they will pay me more money.  I already knew it was going to him because my boss favored him.  They would constantly talk about soccer, and even though I tried to get into it, I was no match.  My boss ended up telling me that I was not right for that position because I was a mom, and I should spend more time with my family.  He said that the student lived close to work and as a single man, had no obligations.  I thought that was rather sexist, but there was not much I can do about it as they usually tend to sweep those things under the rug at this place.  I tried getting counseling at the department that dealt with equity and such matters.  They asked if I wanted to file a complaint, and I declined.  My boss was not the greatest manager, but he was my friend and I loved him like family. He even attended my wedding.

When that student left, another one took his place.  This guy also kissed up to my boss with soccer.  He ended up hijacking my idea to cross-train to another department.  I had been training sometime with an older man from a different department.  I wanted to do work more with system administration and visualization because that’s what I was good at, and I had been told by several instructors I had a knack for it.  I even took courses at the extension in which I found myself the only female student . The gentleman training me ended up with Parkinson’s later on, so I was unable to continue. Aside from that, things got really busy and my boss made me focus more on editing and studio matters as there were a lot coming in with the recent influx of massive open online courses, many which I recorded by myself even when it was originally a two person job. Well, the new guy who hijacked my idea stole my mentor and ended up being the one cross-promoted in just a couple of years of employment, never having even touched a terminal when he came in.  He took more charge of working the visualization environments that my boss had once promised to me.  Prior to the new guy coming in, I had once put together a small wall on the fifth floor.   It didn’t take long for me to realize that there’s a “boy’s club” in this department that I will never be able to join.  It really hurt me, and I am not going to lie- it still does. I feel betrayed and discriminated, having put in so much effort into a dead end job. No one gave credit to the technical documentation and ideas I shared.  As a matter of fact, they were retyped and credits were given to the new guy!  Even my idea for building a learning glass was overlooked until a man brought it up, and even then I was the one who did the research and found the plans on how it was going to be built. Why do women have to constantly prove their worth while men are rewarded for their potential?

I tried to fix my situation by confronting our chief administrator.  I mentioned how my responsibilities grew, how I was the reason deadlines were met.  None of that mattered.  She told me that I would not be able to advance unless someone died or left this place.  It didn’t matter how hard I worked or how good.  She pretty much let me know I was expendable here and not valued.  She even offered to help me with my resume to find a new place.  I didn’t want to believe her at first, but now I am second guessing myself, feeling very insignificant. My confidence is fading along with my whole being. I wonder to myself where I went wrong.  How could someone who use to break records in school get to this point? I excelled in school, but alas, I have failed in life.

I don’t want to sound like a victim of gender bias, but I do believe I have experienced an unfair share of it to the point where every day I come here I feel sick.  What’s done is done.  I really do like the people I work with so I feel very conflicted. I hate feeling this way. I want to let it all go. I have tried meditation and yoga and hobbies, but I realize I am stuck here.  I have tried to apply to other places, but there’s not much options out there and nobody wants to give me a chance as I have been typecast in this field of audio visual.

I am trying to keep my head up, but I feel like I am spiraling down.  I find myself sighing deeply and tears just tend to flow out when I am alone, and sometimes not. It’s getting to the point where I cannot hide it anymore.